I have tried to avoid every feeling that could possibly be there for you. I have tried to shut it down and drown it out. I have considered other possible strong feelings I could have with you.
But the feelings that I have for you didn’t change. I still like you. I’m still scared. And you still don’t know.
I think I like you and I’m scared.
That’s all I can tell you.
Saying it into this…space that I have created and in huge doubt that you’d see it gives me this sense of comfort that I have been honest enough and can go back to hiding.
I think I like you and maybe I can’t lie to myself anymore. It’s been a while.
Now back to hiding.
I dou t that you recognize me. I doubt you remember me. But I would like to believe that you do.
Cause I remember you. Your touch. Your hug. Your kiss. Your love. I remember you clearly.
I know I am lost in your memory. Or you have burried me somewhere deep. I don’t plan to come back, to rise and disturb. Don’t worry. I’ll stay quiet. I’ll stay hidden.
But just so you know, there is no need to rekindle the feeling. It stayed the same, maybe stronger.
I will not get in the way. I will hide like you want me to. No need to worry.
I want you to know.
That everyday I considered coming back to you. Taking you back. Beg you for us. Us.
Oh love, you have no idea how much my feelings grew everyday we were together and how more I yearned for you when you are not around.
Oh dear, you have no idea how much I craved your touch and kiss. How much I wanted to leave home just to sleep beside you and cuddle.
Oh fire, you have no idea how your hugs make my problem seem less. How your kisses make the pain go away.
I know what I have said. I am aware of what I have done. It’s a fact that I am too late.
But my baby boy, I did not mean any of it. The mean things anyway. If I said we had no chance, the more I said it the more I saw that we did. If I said I didn’t love you anymore, the more I felt the love.
I love you. I do. I love you so much. More than a friend.
I know you don’t. I mean, I know you don’t love me that way and I know that you just love me as a friend now and nothing more.
Which gives me so much pain. I never thought I’d say this but I feel like I have been friend zoned.
I know how you feel. Trust me. Even last year. I put it on myself, I know and it’s clear to me.
You have no idea how much I want you back. How much I want to tell you to just drop it and come back to me.
But then again, too late right?
I know what I have done wrong. How I kept bringing it back and been dominating our fights.
You don’t have to make me win. I just want it fixed and understood.
I am sorry for what I have done wrong. I truly am.
I know the sacrifices you have done. The sleepless nights you have put, the lectures from your parents and sibling that you endured and the money you have spent. And I thank you so much for giving and making those sacrifices for us to work. I really am thank you.
I needed to hear it from you, my mistakes. I’d rather hear it from you than from someone else. I feel like I only listen to you. You may not believe it, but I do.
You may feel like I didn’t consider you last year, but I did. Everyday. Every single day. But knowing you, you would’ve given up your dreams. So I gave up mine. My dream to be with you and only you so you can have yours. Your dream to be a photographer.
Look at where you are now! You have your own camera, your knowledge in photography and lighting and now, chances are laid out in front of you with your first gig at the cupcake business. I am proud of you. You have no idea how proud I am of you now.
I do want to be with you. To be around you. But seeing you with Hannah, knowing that she holds your heart and you hold hers, it hurts. How I can’t have you and I have not so much space in your life.
I’m sorry that I am doing this. All the wrong time and maybe even all the wrong reasons. But I have to do this.
I have to do this so you can have happiness with her. So you can forgive me for my mistakes and stupidity. So I can let go of what happened.
I am genuinely happy with my time with you when we were together. I loved you every single day. No day passed when I didn’t even love you.
I am truly sorry for what I have done wrong. All of it. I know what all of it, or at least most of it now thanks to you.
I genuinely proud of you with how far you’ve come. From being an aspiring photographer to being a real photographer. And being regular in your job. Congratulations!
I am really thankful for having you even though for the time that I was allowed until I had to say goodbye. For the time, money and sacrifices you have given for me.
I love you…still. I love you so much. More than you will ever know. You don’t have to say it. I know it’s not the same. I just wanted you to know. Not to confuse you, not to keep you stay, just for you to know.
Now it’s good bye. I have to say good bye. For the both of us. If you consider Her, then for the three of us.
I wouldn’t lie to you. It is still there. It does exist. It never changed. It might have gone stronger but never gone. I know I had the chance to come back, to take it all back and be with you. But it isn’t possible anymore. If I remember correctly, you even put it as I’m too late. Then too late it is.
I hope you understand why I didn’t take the chance. You get unfocused on your dreams and you sacrifice too much for one person. I wanted you to get it and go after it while you had the chance. I’m sorry, deeply sorry, for mapping out your future for you but it was a chance I’m willing to make. To see you somewhat genuinely happy.
You have someone new now and all I can do is wish you happiness. Yeah sure you aren’t tied or married to her yet but might as well call it that way since that’s the direction it is going anyway, right?
Please stop asking me to stay or not leave or to be there. You have no idea how much pain it gives me. Knowing that I can’t be with you. Knowing that I’m too late. Knowing that I have no chance. Too late, I know. That is why I have to leave.
Leave and give myself a chance. A chance to some real happiness. A chance to stop beating myself down on how fat and bad I feel towards myself. A chance to actually feel something real for a long time. Not just something I make myself feel to make people around me happy.
I guess with that said, you are too late yourself.
I feel bad that we have to leave each other. It might be permanent, it might just be for the mean time. Who knows? You have shown and proven me that a lot can happen in a short span of time. Just have to have faith.
I asked for this. I wanted this. And now I am the one regretting. I am the one in so much pain and other unknown emotion that I don’t know where to put it or how to deal with it alone.
I guess it’s these times that we see who would stay, who cares and who are just in for the gossip.
Everything will turn out fine and for the better, later in life. In the long run. Not now, but later. A lot later. Until then I suppose? A lot can happen in a year, or in your case, two months.